El Snacktator

Ahem, Pinko

2012-01-27T06:31:00.000-06:00

No worries. Just El doing a friendly drive-by.

Heed the Cupcake

2012-01-25T10:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, El has been absent. Between holiday festivities, and a certain bankruptcy that shall remain unnamed, El's plate has been full.

Due to the bankruptcy, it is unknown whether El will get his pension, which is why El continues finding ways to reinvent himself. El is much more than a cupcake, he's an icon, and should be revered. If The Shat can do it, so can El! El could do a one cupcake show!!

And speaking of reveling in the cupcake... it has not gone unnoticed that almost all articles regarding a certain bankruptcy fail to mention THE CUPCAKE!!!

Rick Ruggles?? I'm talking to you (and everybody else, but yours was the last article El read). El realizes your slant was health and new snacking habits. For that matter, El can't really even bust you, because El has long grown tired of people trying to take a bite out of him and wouldn't mind if they stopped, but you could have at least mentioned the cupcake.

El ran with the best and the brightest. El was courted by artists and literary stars! El used to be on the A-list of who was invited to dinner, not only because he was tasty, but because he was EL SNACKTATOR!!! And yet journalists like Rick still write things like this:

The bankruptcy filing of Hostess Brands, which makes Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, Suzy Q's and other sinfully succulent snacks, confirms that everything changes, including eating habits.

Again, El asks... where's the mention of the cupcake... Really Rick??

El has had a rough number of years... trying to reinvent himself, trying to not live in the past, trying to once again catch lightning in a bottle (Don't bust El's chops for split infinitives, Rick... you're the journalist, not El). He could use a little adoration. He could use a little reveling in his El-ness. But now, all we hear about is the Twinkie.

Well, that's going to change. The Mayans aren't the only ones predicting things for 2012. No, El is going to reclaim his rightful spot in the grand scheme of things. He never really was one of those mass-produced things anyhow. They were inadequate copies of the one true snack cake.

People will still be eating him up.

Heed the cupcake!

Dylan Pez Nightmare

2011-11-17T15:28:00.001-06:00

How is it possible that El has not posted in almost two months?! El guesses the fact that he ended up on the cutting room floor right before his German premiere had something to do with it...

But, El is back... to talk of nightmares and to soothe his shaken mind.

Last night, as El was deep in slumber, did El dream about being the .00001%?? No, El dreamed about being stalked by a grammatically correct Pez dispenser. Yes, that's right. Dylan... Dylan Brody, El's #1 stalker, stalked him in his dreams.

El couldn't run. El just stood there, throwing his hands into the air, trying to strike his iconic pose, but unfortunately, he only ended up looking like he had surrendered.

German Premiere!!!

2011-09-17T17:22:00.002-05:00

Yes, El knows he's been gone... Yes, El knows you've missed him, but like most American icons, El has been filming in Germany. We've got to make a living, right?? Even The Hoff knows this! Although, El confesses to not being a huge Hoff fan. As one of El's German friends said... no, not all Germans are ga-ga uber das Hoff... He said, "The Hoff has no pathos!"

Nuff said.

El wants it on a t-shirt.

But back to El... El's German video debut will be this next Sunday. Stay tuned!

And... Dieter?? You and your monkey may eat your heart out!

El takes a moment to stand on his cake box...

2011-08-30T14:08:00.005-05:00

And tells you to GO READ THIS... written by El's #1 stalker, Dylan Brody. El loves it. El also knows Dylan has gotten hate mail. El has seen some of the comments... El never ceases to be amazed at people who continually miss the point. El is also heartened by the fact that many people do get it.

Here... El will give you a little teaser right here... then GO READ THE REST! Do it! El doesn't really ask for much considering he is ruler of all... and as ruler of all, he says, go read. Go on.

When kids in grade school told me that I was going to Hell because I did not believe in God, my parents admonished me not to fight over it, not to argue the point. They told me that Christians find that offensive and there was no reason to actively offend people. I was not to use curse words in public as they offend some people. I was not to talk about politics because some people could be offended. I carried a lot of this sensitivity into adulthood. I have striven over the years to express my opinions gently, to couch them in good humor and have taken care, whenever possible to maintain the high ground. I have put effort into voicing my ideas without ruffling anyone's feathers.

Those with whom I disagree have never shown me the same courtesy. Telling a child that he will be punished eternally for his thoughts is cruel. Eliminating words from the common vocabulary, regardless of the social mores that prompt the action, is censorship unmitigated.

She's a woman who writes... not wrangles away your husband!

2011-08-25T08:16:00.007-05:00

El's dearly beloved FB friend, Vicki Abelson, got her first HuffPo headline yesterday... for her first post. Needless to say, it won't be her last.

Apparently Vicki is single woman persona non grata. El understands... El knows many husbands who want him nowhere near their spouses. Women just want to eat him up! He's got that kind of allure.

Vicki is always welcome at El's table and may sit by whomever she chooses.

Update: El is obviously not a cupcake who writes, or he wouldn't have ended his post title with a preposition. It has since been corrected. El also knows Vicki would never do that... although apparently her friends think she might end her sentences with a proposition.

El continues to get mail... feels the need to rant

2011-08-10T16:10:00.005-05:00

The other day, El received a letter (yes, a real letter, handwritten even!) reminding him of the fact that he should watch his P's and Q's... he was a role model for children after all!

To this, El thought...

Really?

El is a role model? For children? El, the cupcake he was, long ago, was aimed at children, but he's not sure he was ever a role model. If he had been, he would have been convincing them of filling their bodies with preservatives and additives... touting endless freshness. Wait... El thinks there are plenty of adults in Hollywood who must have been children way back when El was new... they must have listened as El sees many people who are filled with preservatives and additives... perhaps they are wishing to be eternal cupcakes...

Nonetheless... El is really not, and never has been, a role model... but if he were to be one, he'd be more of one now... as he went rogue long ago (damn Palin for ruining that term!), dancing to the beat of his very own drummer. No, he said, I will not just be one more mass-produced cupcake! I will be THEE cupcake. I will do my own thang... revel in my uniqueness even in the face of endless copies... even in the face of people telling me I should do otherwise... for the good of the children! Pffft. Come one... if El were really for the good of the children, he'd have been an apple. El may be fun for children, and tasty for everyone, but El, as a commercial product, before becoming the voice of reason, was really only good for the bottom line... and El's not talking about your own, because if you're concerned about your bottom, you won't be eating anything that looks like El.

So, dear letter-writer... while El appreciates the correspondence, and El believes everyone has a right to their own opinion... do not expect this cupcake to be 100% child-friendly, because he's never been 100% child-friendly.

Besides... do we really want to send the message to our children that we eat our role models?? El thinks not.

El Runs/Ran in Cool Circles...

2011-07-22T14:29:00.005-05:00

Today is the birthday of three of El's great friends, all artistic in nature, all understanding the depth and nuance of El. Unfortunately two of them have since slipped off this mortal coil. One still remains. Come to think of it, the two who have since departed, have captured El's greatness. One still has not... El's going to have to do something about that.

Happy Birthday, Ed... ya old moody bastard!

Happy Birthday, Sandy!! El always loved your playfulness.

And last, but not least... Happy Birthday, Cat! YOU ROCK!!!

Oh the Cruel Irony

2011-07-07T07:50:00.004-05:00

El, feeling slightly sorry for Mr. Dylan Brody, decided to take pity on him and release him from El's spell. El realizes that not everyone wants to be enraptured. El realizes that not everyone can stand the magnetic pull that El exudes. Dylan was not sure he could handle being the moon to El's sun, so El released him.

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. El's #1 fan is even more under El's spell. Oh well. You can't fight the power.

Don't Mess with El's #1 Stalker

2011-06-29T14:56:00.006-05:00

El was elated when he recently discovered that season 2 of The Green Room with Paul Provenza was going to be starting soon. El really enjoyed the first season.

But then El looked closely at those who would be on this season... all in all, a great selection. Still, someone seemed to be missing. Who could it be? Could it be El's #1 stalker??

Dylan Brody??

Where is Dylan?!? El knows he was in the audience during season 1. Dylan also shouted out a joke... El assumed Dylan would soon be moving to the roundtable, but apparently not. Good word has it that Dylan will be in the audience again... shouting out jokes. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Now is that good enough for El's #1 stalker? Hell no.

El has not yet decided the best recourse, but he will.

In the meantime, El will share a little Dylan... it's Dylan speaking at Vicki Abelson's "Women Who Write". El chose that clip merely because he loves Vicki... one of his first FB friends. Vicki rocks.

El for One and One for El

2011-06-20T09:37:00.006-05:00

El received notice that his #1 fan, Dylan Brody, was again tweeting about him. El is not surprised. If El were not El, he'd be tweeting about him. Wait, El tweets about El even though El is El. Let's just end with it would be understandable if everyone were tweeting about El... what's not understandable is why they are not...

Another point that is not quite understandable is this "human alter-ego" thing. This confuses El. Human? Alter-ego? El can understand humans desiring to be him. It is El's world after all. But to suggest that El is not who he purports to be?? Well... perhaps Mr.. Brody is projecting!!!

Someone who apparently has all of the facts together would be this puffsnmuffs character... also found on teh Twitterwebs... El keeps reading it as "Puff N' Stuff"... but none the less, this puffing character is obviously well aware of El's influence and reach. El does tend to beam a ray of loveliness into the lives of those he deems to touch.
El would also like to point out that Shatner had a chance to bask in this glow, but ignored it... How's that working for you now, Bill?? Hmmm???

"On May 15, 2011, CBS announced that it had canceled $#*! My Dad Says."

Father's Day... As interpreted by a cupcake...

2011-06-18T15:20:00.004-05:00

People often ask El is he's a father... since you know... donuts have donut holes. El's not sure he follows the logic...

But, back to the question... is El a father? HELLZ YEAH!

He's the father of ALL cupcakes! Pffft.

There are days when El could see Charlton Heston playing him in his biopic... El Charlton... handing down cupcake rules on slabs of baked goodness... for all to follow... El Charlton, telling everyone who comes near to get their damn filthy paws off his creamy goodness.

Unfortunately, Charlton is passe... but El is not.

Viva el pastelillo!!!

And Happy Father's Day to everyone, whether a father or not.

Callista Attacks!!!

2011-06-11T11:17:00.003-05:00

El kept thinking that Mrs. Gingrich reminded him of someone... and then it dawned on him. El apologizes to Lisa Marie...

Revealing Pix of El Snacktator's Package!!!

2011-06-08T13:38:00.006-05:00

Oh dear! El is not sure how, but a lewd and lascivious photo of El's package has gotten out and is being shared across the interwebs!

Yes, El has tweeted his package... El refuses to resign. El still rules the world. Get used to it.

For those wondering about El's real package... he refers you to Exhibit A:

El Gets Mail

2011-06-05T08:57:00.010-05:00

Yes, El still receives many, many letters/e-mails a day... some requesting advice, some requesting marriage, some just extolling El's virtues. El likes those the best, but hey, attention is attention, so El is appreciative of all.

El's most recent e-mail requested more info about... El! Ms. Laura H. of Bemidji, MN (El had never heard of Bemidji before, but was happy to read that it is a historically charming, progressive and beautiful north woods city to visit.) Although El has shared plenty of his past, not to mention that El's beginnings are very much a part of the public record, Ms. H wanted to know any little idiosyncrasies that might not be common knowledge. El is more than happy to oblige. Ms. H?? Are you paying attention??

Fun Facts about El!

1) All El facts are fun.
2) El can do almost anything with gloves on... and his hands raised in the air.
3) El sleeps on his back. Really, this is a no-brainer.
4) El's squiggles are removable and varied (see last paragraph here)... El changes it as he changes his mind.
5) El firmly believes in live and let live. El has noticed during his many decades on the planet that most people get their undies in a knot and tell others what to do, while demanding that others not tell them what to do. Really??
6) El is afraid of the word "kerfuffle". Let's just leave it at that.
7) Every single cupcake with any variety of squiggle is merely an homage to the one and only true El. When they made El Snacktator, they broke the mold... because they knew people wouldn't want to eat cupcakes that talk... OK, OK, El was a reject. El was a baking plan gone awry. At least that's what they'll tell you. But that's a post for another time...
8) El is a better Rorschach test than the Rorschach test. They have even had Rorschach tests read El's posts to see what the Rorschach test was thinking.
9) El dances daily.
10) El loves dogs... probably because dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate.
11) El is not very tall. El knows this surprises some.
12) El had first shot at Marlon Brando's role in A Streetcar Named Desire, but El was too charismatic. They felt they had to go with someone with less je ne sais quoi... El understood.
13) El was the only cameo cut out of The Aristocrats... again, it was that superb timing and out of control charisma... Oh well, El always thought it would have been funnier had it been "A cupcake walks into an agent's office..."
14) El has a stalker... El won't name any names... DYLAN BRODY! El takes solace in the fact that he has an eloquent stalker... a humorous stalker... a man who brings a certain intellectual prestige to stalking...
15) El's favorite word? Moose. He loves the way his lips gently pucker, and his nostrils gently flair while saying it. Mmmmoose. Say it with El! Mmmmmoose! See?? It's good... and given that Laura H. lives in Northern Minnesota, El is guessing she can relate.

El hopes that satisfied your curiosity Laura! El is eternally complex and eternally changing... so don't be surprised if you come back next week and find all of his answers have changed... It's El's world. He's allowed to do that.

The Evil Eyebrow

2011-06-05T08:22:00.002-05:00

El's sleep was plagued with nightmares of being chased by vicious, flapping eyebrows. El found himself running through the streets, much like Tippi Hedren in The Birds, while predatory eyebrows came swooping down. However, unlike Tippi, El had no phone booth in which to hide.

El is thinking his dreams may have spawned from this... or perhaps his nightmares were merely influenced by the preponderance of crap that is spewing from his neighbor's cottonwood tree (note to sELf... buy a larger estate). Icing and cottonwood fluff do not mix. El will remain indoors until the horror is over.

Few people can deny the glow that a nod from El imbues... Updated!

2011-06-01T18:04:00.009-05:00

... well, except maybe Das Shat... Das Shat who never, ever acknowledged the wonder that is El. Come to think of it... neither did Connery! He was probably just jealous because El rocked the Zardoz singlet better than he ever did!

But who has acknowledged the power that is El?? That feeling of "bafflement and wonder" that only a nod from El can bring??

Yes, you know it... El's new BFF*... Dylan.

I give you exhibit A:

El understands. And... apparently Dylan knows upon which side his bread is buttered... or cupcake is frosted... although El's not really frosted because El's not angry... or El is frosted... just iced, you know? But not on ice. Oh never mind.

El has been spurned for so long that a little wind up his trench coat goes a long way.

Update:

Here's an actual video of El acting as Dylan. El thinks he did a pretty good job. Special note to ZRM... you'll appreciate the nod to correct grammar.

* until El, who often suffers from ADD or MSG, moves on...

dELan Brodytator

2011-05-27T13:55:00.004-05:00

OK, El lied. El has not called it quits, he was just depressed. Certain despots have been giving all despots a bad name these days and El felt it was tarnishing his reputation.

Also, a few weeks ago, El was up for The Huffington Post's "7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Your Time On Right Now!" El was snubbed for cats and babies. Pffft. There was a day when people couldn't get enough of El, but El was suspecting that his time was past... he was becoming nothing more than a baked version of Norma Desmond.

El then realized his real and true Facebook friend, Dylan Brody, wrote for The Huffington Post. Hmm, Dylan is no despot, but rather, a regular (some would protest this) guy. What would life be like if El lived as a regular man, yet one who still receives the adulation of the masses?? El was intrigued. Not to mention the fact that Dylan has hair... El's always wanted hair, but hair and baked goods usually don't mix... but still... what would life be like?

El decided to go undercover as Dylan... an award winning playwright, humorist and thrice published author and a regular contributor to The Huffington Post. In recent years, he has emerged as a radio raconteur, whose witty and profound tales of his journey through life are unique, yet utterly recognizable to everyone, earning him a reputation as one of America’s fastest rising storytellers.

Well! Smell him! Never mind that El is the one and only snack cake dictator... But El digresses... Dylan it would be.

Although it was intriguing to have hair and eyebrows, El's not sure people bought it. El thinks he looks a bit more like Raymond Burr... and everyone knows Raymond Burr and his career are both dead. Still, it was fun being out there... taking environmental publicity shots that highlighted that hair... oh that hair...

One other thing about the hair though... El realized it's frickin' hot. Perhaps that's why he kept sweating... and El means nonstop brow and upper lip sweat. Dear. Lord. Or perhaps it was because El was performing on stage. Those lights are hot. Or perhaps that was just El doing Dylan a little too well.

Anyhow, El's got his mojo back... and his smooth pate.

Fini??

2011-05-17T20:02:00.002-05:00

El is thinking perhaps the days of despots are over... even benevolent ones who merely wanted to support the arts... or support their own egos... or both...

RevELing

2011-04-15T18:22:00.007-05:00

El's been a bit off center lately. El's not been in touch with his inner-compass, which normally always point to El, but El's feeling it again and El is reveling in his wonderfulness. How many other snack cakes have risen to such heights? How many snack cakes have rubbed shoulders (OK, El's rubbed his shoulder on their ankles) with those who define centuries?

El may not be President. El may not be Gwyneth, but dammit, El is still El... ruler of the world, whether people know it or not.

El still kicks ass.

Not to mention... El still looks better in a red singlet than Sean Connery...

Hey! How the El are ya??

2011-04-14T15:53:00.005-05:00

So, El's scanning a news site and what does he see? This:

Sally Field Cast in Lincoln

Taylor Lautner Debuts Abduction Trailer

American Idol Gets 'Heavy Metal'

Catherine Zeta-Jones Bipolar Disorder

Gwyneth Paltrow Hosts Dinner Party

Demi Lovato Reveals Intervention

Kim Kardashian's Wedding Dreams

Justin Bieber Breaks from Twitter

Selena Gomez Hollywood Top 30

Miley Cyrus and Joan Jett on Oprah

Apparently it's a list of current news, because you know, Gwyneth hosting a dinner party is BIG NEWS! El also notices a complete and utter lack of any news about El. Apparently no one is curious about what El is doing. No one asks El how he is. El is perplexed. El is tired of people thinking he's living the life of whatever character it is that they have on the front of the Hostess Cupcake box. You play one part and you're typecast for life.

Justin Bieber breaks from Twitter.... yeah, right. El broke from Twitter about 22 hours after he signed up, but was there a news blurb about that?? Heck no.

El has mingled with the best and the brightest. El has gone where no cupcake has gone before. El is the first snack cake dictator... but apparently that is not newsworthy... but Gwyneth?? Gwyneth merely has to feed people some food and she makes the news.

El is food, people!! And so much more...

Some Dawn will take care of that Palin Sheen...

2011-04-12T16:01:00.003-05:00

El's been informed that he's got possible competition in next years Presidential race.

To that, El says, "HA!!"

And while El believes in living and let live... El doesn't think Charlie would live that one down. There's crazy and then there's crazy.

Putting Out the Feelers

2011-04-07T11:08:00.005-05:00

El has been busy launching a Presidential Exploratory Committee, seeing if perchance he might be what this country is needing in 2012.

So far people have asked why El would run for President when he's already Ruler of the World. Good question, but really, dictators like to amass titles and medals and hats. El hears he can get a Nobel Peace Prize in the deal as well.

The fact that El is a cupcake has also been brought up. Does it say anywhere in the Constitution that the President must be human? El thinks history shows otherwise.

Questions have also arisen around El's possible choice of running mate... Das Shat. He's Canadian. Pffft! Canada is even closer to the DC than Alaska! Enough said.

As for eventually entering the race and actually winning? El says, "Piece of cake!"

El has been taking random suggestions for possible slogans. Feel free to add in the comments. Possible slogans so far?

Speak softly and carry a big squiggle.

Let them eat cake.

You can have your cake and elect it too.

What's not to like about cake!?

No chocolate shortages!

*The PR firm of RSFish was kind enough to knock out the above poster for El. El thinks it has a certain je ne sais quoi.

El has been deposed...

2011-04-01T15:51:00.001-05:00

... by his own morose thoughts, what with dictators getting a bad name these days, and El can understand. El can understand that not all dictators are benevolent... not all are... El...

But still, it's been a rough week or three. Combine that with the fact that El's deal with Das Shat fell through again. Let's just say it's been a rough week to be a dictator.

Update: El is so out of it, he can't even spell deposed... it's been corrected... although "desposed" seems to work with despot...

El is going into seclusion for Teh Shat's b-day...

2011-03-20T16:20:00.004-05:00

El has donned his Captain Kirk ensemble in honor of the upcoming anniversary of the birth of dramatic greatness... Mr. William Shatner... aka "Teh Shat!", but El cannot celebrate, as Teh Shat has not returned his calls about doing perhaps... a duet, or a two man, er... one man, one cupcake show.

Still, El loves Der Shat. Perhaps El should have dressed up as a Tribble...

Shatner, can you hear me?
Shatner, can you see me?
Shatner can you find me in the night?
Shatner are you near me?
Shatner, can you hear me?
Shatner, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours... in this galaxy?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
Space is so much darker;
The wind is so much colder;
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone.... doing a one cupcake show!

Note to self: Just because Der Shat wears a nasty-ass toupee is no reason El must... even when showing reverence to him.

Mardi Gras: Let the Wild Rumpus Start!

2011-03-08T13:25:00.005-06:00

For tomorrow, we fast... or some do. Not El. El can't give up anything other than mediocrity. That's it. El will give up mediocrity. Shouldn't be too hard to do...

El would also like to note that he will not be giving up Teh Shat... as this is his b-day month. El is thinking of sending himself to Teh Shatner... with a tasteful bow, of course. We will work together... he just doesn't know it yet.

S'mores Anyone??

2011-03-07T16:24:00.003-06:00

So, apparently Charlie Sheen has fire breathing fists. Apparently Charlie Sheen is the new Chuck Norris. Pffft. El still rules the world... they just live here.

They say it's your birthday!

2011-02-19T15:46:00.003-06:00

Yes, El's been busy, but not too busy to say, it is indeed his b-day. El's been receiving love far and wide, but thinks this tribute has been his favorite so far... that is until someone delivers a gift-wrapped Shatner!

praise now el snacktator
wonderful dictator
of him we sing
ruler throughout the world
chocolate faced vanilla swirled
...his plastic wrapper now unfurled
he is our king

today we celebrate
he whom we know as great
this day is his
may it like him be sweet
earth's best known uber-treat
even shatner will today now tweet
"happy b-day el"

--Will Radford

3 Days Until Shatmas!!!

2010-12-22T16:45:00.002-06:00

El is fully expecting The Shatner to be delivered under El's tree on Christmas morning... if not... well, El won't be held responsible.

El is mad and he's not going to take it anymore!

2010-12-02T19:11:00.003-06:00

Ok, what brought El back? First, he thought his assistant was covering these blogging tasks, but apparently the assistant was AWOL. El will have to fire him should he ever find out where he is.

Next?? El found out this woman has a book deal! She's going to set the record straight! WELL!?! What about EL?? HMMMM??? Most people think El is merely some cute, preservative-laced cupcake that sits on the shelf, waiting for lax mothers to buy for their kids! Surely El has no life! No history! No, not El! El only does what his corporate sponsors say!

WRONG! Has O'Donnell been painted by the 20th Century's greatest artists?? No. Has El?? Hell yeah! El would link, but he's not used to this blogging thing... his assistant usually did it while El dictated from the other room. Scroll down... find the images yourself!

But back to El's point... has Christine run with the bulls along with Hemingway? El thinks not! Ok, El may not have either... there was a lot of liquor that night and El just remembers that Ernie strapped him into some white ensemble and told him to run. El also remembers large piles of bullshit, but El was used to that with Ernie...

El is guessing Chrissie can't touch any of the fabulosity that El has experienced. Sure, she was some head of some tea party thingie, but you know what? El's had tea with the Queen! Suck on that!! Yes, El's done many things Christiney!

Hey lady, you frustrated lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented tea partier causing nothing but fake strife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere they could market me
I took the hand of a Susie Q and we made love in the aisle three
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me in you, I can see the yearning in your eyes
But we don't want you to share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....

Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by hungry kings and I've seen some things that a cupcake ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

...sorry... El digresses... El has to find a new assistant... and a book deal.

Remiss in Blogging

2010-08-26T17:11:00.003-05:00

But what can El say?? There's been vacation... and socializing... and a small, personal crisis of the soul, but other than that, El is still here.

Don't remove your bookmark yet. El has more to show. El just doesn't know if it's fact or fiction.

The Horrors of the Autograph Show Circuit

2010-07-12T09:07:00.003-05:00

El has been remiss in his blogging duties... that's because El has been forced to go out and prove his relevance in a 21 Century world. El, who once had the world wrapped around his finger. At what point does a supreme cupcake become his own being and stop being a hawker for his creator?? More on that in another post...

El spent this last weekend doing autograph shows. El will not be doing this again. El hopes he will not be doing this again. While El understands the public's desire for contact, their desire to bask in his El-ness, El finds the autograph show to be... what shall we say... less than befitting a cupcake of his stature... a cupcake of his level... a cupcake who has moved beyond mere cupcake status to international cult figure. El is iconic, not pathetic.

El was not meant to sit in a huge room with poor lighting... sitting at a cafeteria table on a folding chair. El would have thought that the backers of this event might have thought that putting a cupcake anywhere near a cafeteria table might elicit less than pleasant feelings in said cupcake...

Still... El did his job... El mingled with the masses. El signed, and signed, and signed, and signed... El posed for photos. El gave words of wisdom. El looked resplendent.... looked being the operative word. It's going to take weeks to get the damn fingerprints out of this icing...

Dear Paulina...

2010-06-04T09:41:00.003-05:00

It has come to El's attention that you and he are in the same boat... once overwhelmingly famous, only to find out that now, we've been relegated to the D-List, but relegated by whom, Paulina?? Certainly not themselves. No, they know better. Once an iconic figure who socializes with kings, always an iconic figure who socializes with kings.

They will not be relegated to the D-List.

Or... if they must be, at they've got each other. El's in need of a project. Have your assistant call his...

El Snacktator 20th Century Muse: Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

2010-05-25T11:45:00.006-05:00

El's been rearranging Snackhambra again and ran across one of his favorite pieces of furniture... his custom BarcELona chair. Yes, BarcELona... at least that's what Mies named it.

You see, El didn't only have an impact on painters. No, no one was or is immune to that squiggle... El's iconic embellishment. Not even Mies... student of "form follows function"... less is more... you get the idea.

Maybe it was a case of opposites attract, but no matter how different their approach, El being all about the more, Mies being all about the bare bones, stripped down glory, El and Mies were instantly the best of friends... And so Mies dared to adorn his beloved Barcelona chair with an unneeded, totally frivolous embellishment (although he tried to claim it was a headrest and therefore had function) and renamed it the "BarcELona Chair".

El always loved Mies for that. El also wanted solid gold legs, but Mies drew the line. It was chrome or nothing. Pffft. Oh well.

It's "Show a Zombie Some Luv!" Day!!!

2010-05-15T10:27:00.003-05:00

As El saw mentioned over here:

It's Show a Zombie Some Luv Day... have you hugged your zombie today? Zombies, often maligned in the arts, are really sensitive, caring souls... or would be... you know, if they had a soul. Still, they want their attention, they want their props, and who are we to deny them?

It's El's World...

2010-05-04T09:07:00.005-05:00

El's time has come... Apparently Hostess is finally honoring El with a squiggle art contest/campaign... El thinks Hostess is finally reading his blog... El's squiggle has been honored for some time...

Others may have forgotten that it's El's world, but El hasn't. Take that Little Debbie! Yes, you get your corporate jet, but El still has the world...

And... El is hoping that Hostess might just work out a little deal for El with The Shatner...

All hail El Snacktator!

Update: El's advisers (yes, he has them... he's not totally a solo act, even though he rules the world) have suggested that Hostess come to him, that he not go to them. El is his own being... but then he always knew that.

El TV

2010-04-30T13:45:00.003-05:00

El must confess to occasionally watching The Real Housewives of NYC... and while El enjoys the train wreck that is this show, El is wondering why Bravo is not calling him. El has a much more colorful existence. El also happens to be stylish. El would also be willing to make a really bad dance record...

El Gets Mail: Dr El Will See You Now

2010-04-29T15:02:00.004-05:00

El has been distracted lately by this thing called life. Yes, even El has issues. Even El has things to deal with, but apparently he deals with it all with aplomb because El also gets lots of mail (of the e and snail variety) asking for advice.

See exhibit A:

Dear El,

May I call you El? I feel like you wouldn't mind.

Lately I've been wondering what to do with my life. It's ok, but I feel there could be more. You seem to live a fabulous existence and never seem to be at a loss for what to do next. What do you suggest I do?

Sincerely,

William Shatner

Well, as you can imagine, El was thrilled to get this piece of mail... and El was happy to tell William exactly what he could do.

Stay tuned...

Could the mysterious comments be coming from Große Fette Eule

2010-04-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

El is wondering if the deep thoughts mentioned in the previous post, and seen in the post before that, are coming from his good friend... Große Fette Eule... El knows that while he is wise, nothing is wiser than Große Fette Eule. Of course, El is still more powerful... and more stylish. And let's face it, has more going on, but still, El will give props to the wise old owl.

El thinks Große Fette Eule likes El because he's round... echoing the roundness that is the owl's eyes... echoing the roundness that is that owl. El can get behind the owl. What El can't get behind are owl pellets. El finds them a tad nasty. El's all for understanding that internal workings are not the same... after all, El is filled with cream, but still... owl pellets. Mmmm... no. El prefers the owl to regurgitate wise thoughts, not pellets.

El Gets Comments

2010-04-16T17:24:00.002-05:00

El has been semi-deluged with a comment guru... El is still thinking it might be Little Debbie on a bender. You can't open a bottle of ripple by that gal...

Still, El is kind of amused.

El Gets Mail: How the Mighty Have Fallen

2010-04-11T16:37:00.003-05:00

Yes, El gets mail... all sorts of mail. Most of the time El is flattered. Most of the time... and then there are the times when El gets mail like this:

Dear Mr. Snacktator,

My daughter, Lucy, is having her 7th birthday next month. Can I rent you for the party? Do you make balloon animals? Can we eat you after you're finished entertaining the kids? Will it really be you or just a stand-in? I'm not sure I understand how there can be so many Els. I'm thinking it must be something similar to Santa and his elves. I sure do love you though and always have.

Please let us know about the party. If you can't do it, we'll have to see if we can rent a clown. My daughter's first choice was Little Debbie, but apparently she's someone now... has her own jet and all. Debbie doesn't do parties anymore, but suggested that you might.

We still love you though. Really.

Sincerely,

Janice McQueen

After El regained consciousness, he reminded himself to write Little Debbie a thank you... and then he spent the rest of the day in a funk, wondering how the mighty have indeed fallen. How is it that one day you're the king of the world, deciding between an invite from Picasso and Hemingway, and the next, you've got Janice McQueen asking you if you'll do kids' parties and if all of those cupcakes are really you. El doesn't even know how to answer that one. El wants to say...

Dear Janice,

Get help... and perhaps an education.

xoxo

El Snacktator

But El won't. El still has manners, and El is appreciative of any mail... of anyone who remembers... because on some days when he's roaming around his huge estate, talking to nothing more than his loyal moose and perhaps the condiment containers, El wonders if it might not be time to do the kiddie circuit...

El bets William Shatner has never gone through this... not even between gigs... when he barely had the money for a new toupee...

El's in a Pickle

2010-04-05T14:08:00.000-05:00

What does the world's most powerful cupcake do when the world doesn't realize he is in charge?

El will be there to pick up the pieces...

2010-03-25T17:03:00.004-05:00

El read a snippet in the news yesterday that suggested The Shatner's new show was going to be a bust. El just wants The Shatner to know that he will be here... ready to work... ready to form a duet that will boldly go where no duet has gone before.

El would also like to say that Anderson Cooper has released him from the sticky bonds of Facebook purgatory. Was he released into the warm embrace of Anderson's friendship?

No.

He was not.

El, knowing that Anderson must surely have made a mistake, jumped right back into purgatory! El's no fool!

International William Shatner Talks to El Snacktator Year

2010-03-22T12:21:00.004-05:00

It's really The Shat's b-day and... "International Talk Like William Shatner Day"!! El would like an "International El Talks to William Shatner YEAR!" Or... "International William Shatner Talks to El Snacktator Year!"

Well, El can't talk like William Shatner, but he can look like him!

El loves you Shat!! We will work together some day!

El Snacktator 20th Century Muse: Pablo Picasso

2010-03-20T10:38:00.003-05:00

El has been sorting through the vaults again and ran past this... one of the many portraits Pablo Picasso did of El. El loved Pablo. Pablo loved El. They just seemed to understand each other... each smaller yet more powerful than the average soul. Each playful, yet serious... Each king of the world in their own way. El misses Pablo...

While El has always loved being the center of Pablo's attention, El was often tempted to point out to him that most portraits really looked like Pablo. Oh hell, Pablo couldn't even paint a bull without making it look like Pablo! The man was a genius, but he had blinders on... blinders with a mirror attached to the front!

Oh well, Pablo could have given El 3 breasts...

And why did Picasso seek out El for portrait after portrait? Again... it was that damn squiggle. No one can resist the squiggle... especially Pablo... the man who said, "It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child."

No child can resist the squiggle.

Good Morning El

2010-03-16T12:55:00.003-05:00

El is thinking he needs his own talk show. El is even willing to have guests who talk about themselves and not just El, although El will understand if the guest is wanting to talk about him.

El is thinking cozy, intimate conversation. El is thinking early morning, still in jammies. El is thinking Oprah is leaving anyhow. Who wouldn't want to spend their morning listening to the world's most powerful cupcake? Who wouldn't want to spend their morning looking at the world's most powerful cupcake??

Why Does Anderson Cooper Torment El?

2010-03-14T14:57:00.003-05:00

El has been in Anderson Cooper's Facebook purgatory for weeks now. El's not even sure why he approached friendship with Anderson, but seems to recall Facebook suggesting it. Anderson and El have mutual friends. El, being the benevolent despotic type, must have thought, well sure... El can be buddies with Anderson (or even a faux Anderson), and must have sent the request.

Weeks later... El is languishing in Anderson's purgatory. At first El thought perhaps Anderson is not on Facebook that often, but noticed that since requesting friendship, has been privy to Anderson's newsfeed. He's seen that Anderson is befriending others! BUT NOT EL!

Befriend El or cut him lose Anderson! El owns you anyway... Facebook friendship or not.

Don't force El to don the infamous black t-shirt and generous poof of silvery hair. El will go all Snackderson Cooper on your hiney if he has to.

The Trouble with Captain Kirktator

2010-03-11T16:05:00.005-06:00

Yes, El has rubbed elbows with some of the art world's best. El has been wooed by many from the stage and screen, and yet... one person continues to ignore him.

The Shatner.

El has loved The Shatner since he was terrified at 20,000 feet. El even has recordings of the Shatner... and, has listened. Something not many have done. El listened and became a transformed Snacktator.

However... it is as Capt Kirk that El feels The Shatner truly rules... and therefore, on occasion, dresses up as Captain Kirktator. El prefers the wrap tunic... the v-neck elongating his roundish features.

William Shatner?? If you're out there... El is available for duets... or perhaps, a cameo!

El Snacktator 20th Century Muse: Alexander Calder

2010-03-09T10:04:00.004-06:00

Another one of El's favorite portraits would have to be the whimsical wire sculpture done by good friend, Sandy Calder. There was no formal sitting, no planning, it just happened after a wonderful dinner. El was talking about El, something El is good at doing, while Sandy worked the wire.

In Calder's piece, we see El stripped down once more, but whereas Hopper's stripped down version of El is filled with angst and loneliness... Calder's take on El was much more playful, but then Sandy was a happier man than Ed.

However... lonely artist, happy artist, it just doesn't matter... no one can resist the lure of the squiggle.

A secret that El doesn't share with everyone... El has many squiggles. Yes, they're removable. El even has squiggles with differing numbers of loops. Next time you hear the rumor that El must have 7, you tell them you know better! El sometimes has 6... and even up to 8. It's a mood thing.

El Snacktator 20th Century Muse: Jackson Pollock

2010-03-08T07:34:00.004-06:00

Even infamous cranky boy, Jackson Pollock, was not immune to El's light-hearted squiggle. Pollock, most famous for his abstract expressionism, especially his "drip" paintings, could not help but give a nod to that come hither loop-de-loop of icing.

Pollock attempted to paint El 5 times, reducing El to 100% abstraction, with no true realistic representation, but no matter how hard he tried, that squiggle kept emerging. He finally let it be.

El is lucky Pollock finished any piece as during the process, El took to calling him Snackson Pollock. Needless to say, Pollock was not amused.

El was...

El Snacktator, 20th Century Muse: Wayne Thiebaud

2010-03-05T13:23:00.006-06:00

El has reached into his private collection one more time to share with the world just how much the world's artists loved El. They couldn't get enough... wanting to capture El's je ne sais quoi. El couldn't blame them.

Today's artist? Probably one of El's favorites.

Wayne Thiebaud...

Let's just say... the man has a way with the baked goods... that and the fact that his work often falls into the category of Pop Art due to his interest in objects of mass culture. Well... El is a baked good... and El is definitely an icon of mass culture.

El Snacktator, 20th Century Muse: Edward Hopper

2010-03-02T15:17:00.004-06:00

Many, many years ago, El was hanging out with good friend Edward Hopper when Ed mentioned that he wanted to do El's portrait. El was thrilled and already had visions of dramatic shadows... El posing in is best dictatorial garb! Or perhaps, El would be in a scene like Nighthawks. El always liked Nighthawks... but no, Ed, bastard that he was, had other ideas.

It seems Ed wanted El stripped down. He wanted El Unplugged and suggested a time of day when El was not quite one with the world, but lost in his thoughts. Thoughts of grandeur no doubt! El could see it, he would be propped up on his resplendent Deco bed... in his comfy silk jammies. Sure El would do it.

But no, Ed felt this was not stripped down enough. He wanted El to be isolated... stripped of any comfort he knew. El swears that Hopper went through this damn isolation phase for approximately 3/4's of his career! People got it Ed! We're together, but we're alone!

Still, Ed never really painted anyone, but that wife of his so El consented. El does have an ego after all and being painted by Hopper was still a coup... and dictators can rarely resist a coup. Off they went. El suspected he'd be at Ed's studio, but alas, Ed took him to some fleabag of a motel in Brooklyn! There were no silk jammies to be had, merely a nasty, used frock that somewhat resembled a large man's undershirt. El thought he might be able to wear his hat, but no... there was to be no hat, no medals, only El with the weight of the world on his shoulders and the unbearable loneliness that being a snack cake dictator can bring. El had it all... and yet he was utterly alone... it's lonely being at the top...

El was happy with the outcome and imagined it one day hanging in a museum alongside other famous tributes to El, but no... Hopper decided he wasn't happy with El... he wanted someone else, someone more familiar... and when El saw it, hanging in front of an adoring crowd... who did he see, but that damn wife.

Oh well, she deserved it. Ed really was a bastard...

What's a Snack Cake Dictator to Do??

2010-03-01T14:41:00.003-06:00

El was at a fabulous party this weekend. El assumed he was on the A-List, but found out he was relegated to the buffet table... El doesn't get it. He'd throw up his hands in exasperation if they weren't always up anyhow.

There was a time when El could not be in enough places at once, spending time at Studio 54, hanging at Robert Evans' California playpen, or sitting on this board or that. There was a time when El was almost too hip for the room, but now... well, he overheard one guest saying El was more like Norma Desmond... one with a loose grip on reality, oblivious to the fact that he is irrelevant.

Ok, El does live in a huge estate... more or less alone... except for a few trusty pals.... digging through relics of his past. But...

IRRELEVANT!!1@!!

El thinks not. El will have the last laugh.

Lady Guhguh

2010-02-26T19:23:00.003-06:00

El has been known to get caught up in the moment and rock the various hats du jour... hat gender, not an issue, but El is not sure he's capable of this.

El's So Vain

2010-02-26T12:18:00.002-06:00

He knows that this song is about him and not David Geffen.

El Snacktator, 20th Century Muse: Edgar Leeteg

2010-02-25T10:39:00.003-06:00

Taken from Gardner's Art Through the Ages: Few people realize the relevance of El Snacktator in 20th Century Art. El tantalized and teased artists, bringing out their best and their worst.

Today's offering from El's vault is a fabulous piece done by onetime good friend, Ed Leeteg. For those not familiar with Leeteg, he is better known as the Father of Modern Velvet Painting. While Leetag's preferred subject matter was nubile Tahitian woman... he was also known to do quick velvet renderings of dear friends.

The accompanying painting of El was done during El's last visit to Leeteg's, Villa Velour estate. A few drinks and some good conversation led to some studio time. Leeteg died soon after in a motorcycle crash. El is forever grateful he made the visit and that he took the time to sit for his good friend.

Few in the art world are aware of this painting's existence. Those few realize that it is irreplaceable and priceless... the melding of two unique and kitschy beings.

As Leeteg was quoted as saying, "My paintings belong in a gin mill, not a museum. If this modern crap is art, then just call my paintings beautiful. Don't call them art."

Dear Mr. Leeteg. We beg to differ... and so does El.

Funktator

2010-02-23T08:42:00.003-06:00

Although Snackhambra is still immersed in rolling drifts of snow, El has been feeling a spring in his step... foreshadowing a day when the snow retreats and El emerges to remind all, who is in charge.

But until then, El is just enjoying getting down with his bad self.

El Zartator

2010-02-21T08:57:00.004-06:00

Move over Sean Connery, there's a new Zed in town!

El, lover of bad movies, was fortunate enough to receive a Zed costume for his birthday. El not only appears to be holding his own, El appears to be dominating. If Boorman ever decides to do a Zardoz sequel, it seems only apropos that El be the lead.

Update: El's people have heard from Connery's people. Apparently they feel El is not man enough to sport the singlet. You decide!

El Will Survive

2010-02-19T18:07:00.000-06:00

El has been blown off by The Shatner... and on his b-day no less. Yes, today is El's b-day, and while he's basking in luv over at Facebook, he must come here to share his private feelings... He's been blown off by William Shatner.

Apparently William has found other work. It's ok. El realizes he needs to work... unlike El who is financially secure. El understands. But still... on El's b-day Bill?? Couldn't you have broken the news on another day??!?

El wishes you well... El will go one. And El won't hold a grudge... for too long. El might still be open to a holiday special. You know, a duet or something. Call me!

El is back with a vengeance...

2010-02-12T16:14:00.001-06:00

Yes, El has been in seclusion... licking his Shatner wounds... wondering if he still has a place in a world that once loved him... but El is back... and why?? Because Little Debbie has gotten her own corporate jet! There would be no Little Debbie if it weren't for El! El paved the way. El even let her use his squiggle... and what does El get? A thank you? A hat tip? No, El gets nada.

Times have been tough. El has had to sell off many things, including his jet... and has Debbie been there to lend a hand? No... she's too busy on her jet... rubbing salt in El's wound.

Oh El's back. El's not taking this one lying down. El's had more of a history than she could dream about. El will get his jet back. El will recapture the world! And... maybe a duet with The Shatner. El hasn't lost his dreams. And, El hasn't forgotten about Little Debbie's early days. El will leave it at that.

El Snacktator in the Sky with William Shatner!

2009-11-23T10:35:00.000-06:00

El has been remiss in keeping up with his blog. The people clamored for more El and El has let them down... And why? El has been depressed, down in the dumps, the air let out of his tires... all because of The Shatner's indifference. He don't call, he don't write. El would merely like to do one holiday duet with him. Is that too much to ask? El thinks not. El thinks The Shatner would love the boost to his career that only El Snacktator can bring, but apparently The Shatner is too big for El. El doesn't deny that The Shatner is LARGE...

El will carry on, however, with or without The Shat... He won't like it, but he will.

Oprah? If you're out there... how about one more hook-up before you close up shop? How about having El Snacktator and The Shattator on your show? Hmmmm? Please??

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T11:49:00.001-05:00

El will be going as a zombie again... it rather suits him.

El Snacktator: 20th Century Muse

2009-10-27T18:24:00.002-05:00

Taken from Gardner's Art Through the Ages: Few people realize the relevance of El Snacktator in 20th Century Art. El tantalized and teased artists, bringing out their best and their worst.

The above Miro is an example of an artist not being able to get El out of his mind. While Miro despised bourgeois art and its subjects, he found himself tantalized by El's childlike (childish?) ways. He was also haunted by the playfulness and come hither mood of El's white frosting squiggle....

Miro- much like a person fighting the urge to eat a mass produced cupcake and losing, found himself tempted to capture El on canvas, and then, once giving into temptation, found himself filled with disgust.

The love/hate relationship between El Snacktator and some of the 20th Century's most important artists would be a common theme.

Give 'Em El

2009-10-27T18:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently the public has spoken... at least the public on Facebook. They're not getting enough El. While El can understand, El has also been leery of committing more time to the internetz. El does have a world to run. However, El is also benevolent.. so is willing to give them what they want.